When people are mean or rude?

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JRB

JRB

PFG, Picture Framing God
Founding Member
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Aug 12, 2000
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San Diego, CA
How do you handle it when people are mean or rude to you on The Grumble, or anywhere else for that matter?

John
 
I assume that everyone is just trying to get through life being the best person they can be. If they cross me, I will assume it is unintentional. This often involves me catching my emotional response, hopefully before I return with more rudeness-- which would only worsen the issue. Nobody intends harm, it's just that people take a little patience sometimes.

This is actualy easier to implement in person than on the internet: here I am, drinking my coffee, getting that caffeen buzz and reading the Grumble. It's easy for me to say something reactionary and stupid. But face-to-face, I'm a master at playing the fool (well, okay, it helps to actualy BE a fool).

If someone is obviously being agressive, I usualy find that it's due to a misunderstanding, and asking questions to try to understand the other's frustrations will often bring the conversation back to civility.
 
Kill 'em with kindness whenever possible.
 
At least when it comes to customers, my interest in selling them something outweighs my interest in pointing out their inexcusable manner.

The customer is not the enemy, even if they seem to act that way.

Otherwise, I try to overlook it, as I hope people will do for me.

One thing to note: On the internet, like the Grumble, you don't get nuance, inflection, body language, and such with what someone says. What might seem rude when you read it, was not "said" in a rude manner at all. Assume the best, unless someone clearly tells you their intention is otherwise.
 
I think I would just blow it off if someone was mean or rude to me on here because you can not "hear" how they meant to say something, only read, therefor you can not be sure that it was meant to be rude or mean. (comma abuse)

I am not a mean person, and if something I say or wright comes across as mean or rude, it is because I didn't rehearse it in my brain before blurting it out. In the case of the internet, I hit "send message" instead of "preview post"
 
Perhaps it's just me, but when a poster states about another "whether it's appropriate to be obnoxious in a public forum" doesn't require a lot of inflection or body language. That's pretty mean AND rude in my book

And, follow it up with "Being so snotty about issues reveals a serious lack of basic relational skills"

I'm not sure that there aren't at least 100 better ways to make a point

Yet, no one took this poster to task for this post?

Not many (no, hardly any) of us haven't been guilty of being mean or rude on occassion. The trouble often seems that when it's the other guy, he is rude and mean. When it's in our court, we all think we are being clever and witty

It might be interesting to review how often we get some newbie coming on, creating a few waves and then disappearing
 
Well, we don't always give newbies a warm reception. Usually there's a demand that they identify themselves, tell us where there shop is, etc. I think many people turning to these message boards expect a bit of anonymity, and having to prove one's credentials is kind of off-putting. Thankfully, I wasn't subjected to such treatment when I first arrived, but I think I kept all my stupid questions to myself for quite a while. Now I have few qualms about voicing my stupid questions.

As for rude customers, it rarely happens. I did have the Chinese couple that came in at closing, and kept me in the store for almost an hour with repeated attempts to haggle. A couple of times, I walked to the front door, held it open and thanked them for coming in. They didn't seem to get the hint. And throughout, the wife was speaking in Chinese to her husband, and her tone of voice left no doubt in my mind that she wasn't showering me with compliments. I was sorely tempted a couple of times to tell her I understood exactly what she was saying. I don't speak Chinese, but being insulted that way sounds the same in any language. At the end of the grueling transaction, after her husband paid the $300, she hands me her business card, tells me she's a real estate broker, and asks if I know anyone buying or selling a home. Yeah, right. She was equally unpleasant when coming back to pick up her piece.
 
If it's in person, I might give them a "look". I have the kind of piercing blue gray eyes that for some reason seem to unsettle people. I usually reserve this for times when people try to get in Gary's way when he is photographing, like at weddings or proms.

Unfortunately, I can't do that online.
 
AnneL said:
If it's in person, I might give them a "look". I have the kind of piercing blue gray eyes that for some reason seem to unsettle people. QUOTE]

Although I am somewhat of a pussycat inside, I apparently can have a fierce demeanor. Several times, when we have had a customer in full indignation, I will approach and speak calmly (my friend calls it SuperCalm) while leaning toward them slightly and looking them straight in the eye. That seems to take the wind out of their sails.

How do I know how to do this? It is the same technique I use on recalcitrant dogs...

On the Forums, I just usually ignore the insult. Nyah nyah, they can't touch me...
Click to expand...
 
This is my biggest character flaw. I return rudeness with the same times 10. I'm only happy when you are 10 times more mad at me than you made me. It gets worse when I fall short of that goal.

I wished I had a duck back and let things roll off. Unless things get super personal then I normally can over look a fair amount of stupidity.
 
For myself, I think it is how I was raised. When I was about eight years old, I ran from the neighborhood bully. Unfortunately for me, my dad saw it. He walloped the holy heck out of me with the ironing cord. For those of you who do not know about such things, it was a detachable electric cord wrapped with fabric insulation. In those days a good walloping meant it would be real uncomfortable to sit for a day or two. To this day, I will not run from a fight. He also said if you don't need stitches after the game, you weren't playing hockey.

My friends all joined the boy scouts, so he got me into the army cadets. They were learning to tie granny knots, I was packing a Bren gun. At nineteen, I was a sergeant in the 101st Airborne. My whole life I was trained to meet aggression with aggression. Even into my late fifties and early sixties I was involved in judo and jujitsu as a player. I stopped all of it at 61, and took up flying.

Lately I have been trying to be a nicer guy, which ain't easy for an old paratrooper, but I am trying.
Which explains why I started this thread. I still won't run from a fight, but I think I would rather hang around and watch from here on out. Seems I'm starting to age a little.

John
 
Rude people

Well, on bulletin boards it's easy to get personal, defensive or aggressive. For me, if I'm met with this, I try to make certain that what I meant to say, indeed is what they heard. If they understood me and still continue to be rude, I'll usually try one more time at understanding - getting on the same page. When that fails, I may retort in kind (once), but then I let it go because the trouble with those things is, if it's bugging you that much, it probably means the other person has achieved their goal.
What goes around comes around.
As to customers, while I don't have any customer experience, negative style, related to my framing (one of the benefits of being a newbie), but I have plenty from my previous life - my approach has always been to understand where they are coming from and try to let them know I understand that - once there, it can be easier to move things in the direction you want them to go. Usually people just want to be heard, understood and validated.
That being said, I also have a squishy ball that I can squeeze after aggravating encounters.
Ron C.
 
Pour some gas on it and watch it burn!


Very few topics on this forum are capable of raising my ire.

There are so many other important things happening in our crazy world to upset the apple cart.
So I prefer to come here to take my mind off that which I can't control. I get a good dose of perspective and move on.
 
Sometimes I ignore rude behavior or try to kill them with kindness.
Sometimes I react in a confrontational manner.

Just depends on where I am and what kind of mood I'm in at the time.
 
I guess I'm a newbee since I don't have enough interactions on the Grumble. I try my best to make myself clear without being mean. I have seen Grumblers jump all over someone for asking a question that was addressed before. I take this with a grain of salt. The Grumble is still my best source of input for framing problems and questions. :smileyshot22:
 
If it's a customer (I don't recall that ever happened) I will kill and bury them with kindness. Even attend the wake.

If it's a back-stabbing "friend", I'd ignore her. Or him.

If it's a habitual mean, rude, crude person on a public forum, who is attacking members, and especially women (friends of mine or not), and no one has the guts to stand up to the bully, then I will deliver in kind.

I am not afraid to state my opinion. On any subject.

But usually ignoring somebody is the best revenge.:p
 
Paul N said:
If it's a habitual mean, rude, crude person on a public forum, who is attacking members, and especially women (friends of mine or not), and no one has the guts to stand up to the bully, then I will deliver in kind.
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Paul, I didn't realise you owned a suit of armor! ;)
 
AnneL said:
Paul, I didn't realise you owned a suit of armor! ;)
Click to expand...
Alas, chivalry is not dead! Paul the First, to the rescue!

If it's a personal insult/dig/whatever on me, here, I have been known to send a private message asking "What the heck was up with THAT? Where did that come from, and did I really deserve that in public?"

I've learned that if it really bothers me, often, it's because it was probably true. Accuse me of whining? I got mad! Then realized, I was, in fact, whining. Being brutally honest with my own self can be painful, but I usually get a gift from it.....self-awareness. Sometimes, I hate that. Later, I learn from it, and it helps me be a better person, and I use the delete button more often. Sometimes, just typing it out releases the ACK! But don't hit "send" until I really mean it, and have "previewed post" first.

If, after some self-analysis, I realize it wasn't true, I have to ask myself if this will matter in a few months. If not, let it go. If so.....speak up, fight for what I believe in and then....let it go.
 
In all the years I have been reading this site I have only met two other Grumblers. At least that I know of. Sometimes I wonder, when I read these flaming retorts, if the posters DO know each other and have some kind of grudge against the each other.
 
I try to just ignore the actions of mean/rude people. I figure it's their problem and not mine. I'm not going to allow them to dictate any type of behavior or reaction on my part. Then I go home at night and thank God that I'm not as miserable as they must be.
 
AnneL said:
Paul, I didn't realise you owned a suit of armor! ;)
Click to expand...

Well, we KNOW that Baer does!
knight.gif


:icon11: Rick
 
Paul N said:
If it's a habitual mean, rude, crude person on a public forum, who is attacking members, and especially women (friends of mine or not), and no one has the guts to stand up to the bully, then I will deliver in kind.
I am not afraid to state my opinion. On any subject.
Click to expand...

Almost every forum I've been on has a couple of cyber bullies, who love to show everyone how smart they are.
They tend to get bolder if not put in their place by other forum members.

Almost as bad IMO, are the few posters who feel they must respond with a long winded post to every intended or unintended slight, so they end up making one half of the posts on the thread.

Concerning rude customers, I've only got into it with one customer in 27 yrs, and I regretted it.

Like my grandfather used to say, "the customer is always right, even if they are a dam fool." ;)
 
Proverb

As the Chinese used to say, "He who ***** in the road meets flies on his return".
 
joe said:
In all the years I have been reading this site I have only met two other Grumblers. At least that I know of. Sometimes I wonder, when I read these flaming retorts, if the posters DO know each other and have some kind of grudge against the each other.
Click to expand...

Joe the best is when you are involved in a "I hate you, no I hate you more" thread in one forum and are exchanging pleasant laughs and comments in another! I think the internet is not only anonymous but also a little psychotic!

And it works that way. The rancor should not be taken personally.
 
That Chinese proverb reminds me of another saying: Let him without sin cast the first stone
 
"He who lives in a glass house should dress in basement." or better "That which hits the rotating recepticle will not bt distributed evenly".... L.:eek:
 
Like Mayos, I try to disregard rude behaviour, I pray fervently that I don't behave in a similar fashion to others (there but for the grace of....). I also try to apply the maxim: "Don't let other people give you their problems: you have enough of your own!"
 
JRB said:
My friends all joined the boy scouts, so he got me into the army cadets. They were learning to tie granny knots, I was packing a Bren gun. At nineteen, I was a sergeant in the 101st Airborne. My whole life I was trained to meet aggression with aggression. Even into my late fifties and early sixties I was involved in judo and jujitsu as a player. I stopped all of it at 61, and took up flying.

Lately I have been trying to be a nicer guy, which ain't easy for an old paratrooper, but I am trying.
Which explains why I started this thread. I still won't run from a fight, but I think I would rather hang around and watch from here on out. Seems I'm starting to age a little.

John
Click to expand...

That sounds like an awesome life, man. I stopped at the cub scouts and still wish today that I kept going...

I see rudeness and aggression differently. Rudeness is often a misunderstanding that can be resolved. Aggression will persist regardless of calm speech. If you want to back me in a corner, you'd better be sure you want a fight. I've never encountered such (physical) aggression in the workplace and see it as impossible on the internet.

I had a friend who died in a car crash last year (I was even training her to be a framer). She had an easy laugh, and I'd never seen her get upset over anything (and oh how I tried). Ever since her death, I've tried to be more like her. She could have calmed a raging bull, I'm sure of it.

My own favorite proverb goes something like this: Arguing on the internet is like the Special Olympics: Doesn't matter who wins, you're both still retarded.
 
My own favorite proverb goes something like this: Arguing on the internet is like the Special Olympics: Doesn't matter who wins, you're both still retarded.
Click to expand...
:eek:

Well, at least it's not your signature.

For 3 years, I made my living talking to people who, frequently, were seriously ticked off - often for good reason. 28 years of retail framing prepared me, to some extent, but a ticked-off framing customer is nothing like someone whose half-million dollar hospital claim has been denied because the hospital neglected to get an inpatient authorization.

Now I mostly talk to agents and benefit administrators. They are generally pretty easy-going and, when they're not, there's not a lot they can do to rattle me.

The Internet is what it is. Like the TV or radio, you can shut it off. It's not the real world. Despite all the wonderful things you can learn here, and on some other forums, it's mostly entertainment. When it ceases to be entertaining, you can take a break and go outside. Even in Wisconsin, the daffodils are starting to bloom.
 
A bit of wisdom from one of our founding fathers

My best friend sent me this. We're both interested in history:

George Washington's lifelong obsession with showing courtesy, which played no small part in his ability to lead a new country that itself had little respect:

"A set of precepts that meant much to Washington and that has drawn the attention of historians, though perhaps not enough, was one that he had copied out by hand at sixteen, 'The Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and in Conversation'--one hundred and ten in all--which were based on a set composed by French Jesuits in 1595. ...

"The focus of the set was established in the very first rule. 'Every action done in company ought to be done with some sign of respect to those that are present.' The 'Rules of Civility' are 'virtues of humanity'-- guidelines for dealing with others, based on attending to their situations and sensibilities. ... 'When you see a crime punished, you may be inwardly pleased; but show pity to the offending sufferer' (rule #23). '... treat artificers and persons of low degree with affability and courtesy, without arrogance' (rule #36). 'When a man does all he can, though it succeed not well, blame not him that did it' (rule #44). ... Washington also bought books of politeness as an adult, and instances of his courtesy, or comments on it, are legion. ...

"[Today] we worry about our authenticity--about whether our presentation reflects who we 'really' are. Eighteenth-century Americans attended more to the outside story and were less avid to drive putty knives between the outer and inner man. 'Character' ... was a role one played until one became it. ...

"Courtesy and reputation--the medium and stimulus of Washington's morality--operate on and through other people. Courtesy is how you treat them, reputation is what they think of you. ... Courtesy and reputation made it possible for Washington to say to his countrymen, we, and to command a response."

Richard Brookhiser, Founding Father, Free Press, Copyright 1996 by Richard Brookhiser, pp. 127-132,136.




 
Very nice Anne, I do believe the Golden Rule would apply no matter were any two or more people converge.
 
Everything is beautiful in it's...


I don't see why anyone should be rude or angry :soapbox: on this site. We are all here for a common purpose, exchanging knowledge.
Well that is how I look at it.

It is like the intro says; "The Grumble The Original BBS for picture framers, open to all with questions and interest in the picture framing industry. Retail, Homebased, Newbies, Suppliers, just interested in learning, everyone's welcome. Lets us know what you like or problems that you are having in picture framing today. You're not alone any more, come join the fun."

I like fun and to exchange ideas.

Besides the FREE beer was a great Promo for joining.
:beer:
 
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